AFTERSKOOL

on september 22nd 2023 at around 1:00 am, rosie passed away due to tragic, rapidly-developing epilepsy complications; ... this page will continue to be upkept to honor her memory, thank you for allowing me to share with you the small comprehendable fraction of my love for my baby angel, my sweetest thing, my happiness and joy, the love of my life, my special baby girl, my rosie ♡

rosie was born around february 14th, 2019 and was promptly abandoned in a field in ballinasloe... after being rescued at just a few days old by the GSPCA, she was taken in alongside another dog she was found with & from there they did the best they could for three months until she was finally ready for adoption... she was a small, black dog that looked like she was going to end up being some kind of black lab, except 4 tha way her eyes were set into her face which gave us a little hint to her mixed lineage... we didn't really care that much though, cuz she was perfect! my family hadn't had a dog for almost ten years but we were finally ready to let another one into our hearts, and rosie fit perfectly into that space :)

when i went in 2 meet her 4 tha first time she was the smaller of the two and was much shier and quieter compared to the other sibling who was much larger, blonde, and kept attacking my shoelaces lol!!! but i picked up rosie into my arms and i knew immediately she was going to be the one... the rest of the process was a blur and eventually we found ourselves driving over an hour home 2 bring back tha new love of our lives!! she was super nervous shaking in my arms cuz she'd never experienced this (or most things) before, and all i could do was hold her and try to get across to her that everything was going to be okay... but as soon as we got home, her character did a complete 180 and she immediately took charge of the house!!!!! she instantly got to work scouting out every inch of the house, jumping up on the couches, even sitting at the table, n when anyone tried to get near her she'd fall 2 the floor dramatically like a tipped cow and put her paws up for belly rubs!!! i was home from school for the week so i spent the whole time showing her her new world, bringing her around town and down to the beach and into the woods... she insisted on waking up at 9 am every day for a few weeks and would use her little paws to shove me out of bed when i didn't get up fast enough!

she's since grown into one of the goofiest lookin dogs with a white beard, wirey coarse hair, skinny little legs, sprouts of white and grey in odd places and an uneven number of nipples (no, i don't know why)- but she's tha most beautiful dog in my heart and i make sure she knows it!!! she's really really intelligent, too, and knows a whole dictionary of words. she loves to sit at the front of the car so she knows all of her favorite routes along with our names (including the cats!), a handful of commands, and the names of all her favorite foods and places... she has a really strong personality now and she loves sneaking around, thieving stuff from the recycling, cookies, our cats (even if they don't like her back as much LOL), ropes, stuffed animals, and her tennis balls which she SKINS within minutes of getting! we started howling at her for fun when she was a puppy and now she can howl all by herself, sometimes with us for fun or sometimes when she's alone and wants attention because she knows her voice will get our attention for sure! speaking of her voice, she's SOOO vocal... she loves talking back when she's told off 4 being bold, or giving her opinion whenever people are talking around her! and we have all sorts of silly games with her, she loves tugging her ropes with us but enjoys thrashing around with them in her mouth like a mechanical bull too LOL!!! she's mastered the art of tennis ball speed-skinning with her teeth and her little paws, and she's GREAT for a game of keepaway- she is the funniest creature ever, she'll hold the ball in her mouth and taunt us by inching closer and closer, daring us to grab it from her mouth, and when we try and reach she slooowly moves her head away from your hand like a magnetic force is repelling her, it is sooo silly looking!!! she loves being chased, fetching anything at all, digging ravenously on the beach and in the garden, and snorfing out treats that we hide x)

every day became a shared ride with her, from sharing breakfast with her by finishing my cereal just to let her lick the bowl, to constantly bargaining with her about the ratio of food that i get versus the bits i feed her, wrassling with her in the kitchen, fighting her off with a leg to try and keep her away while i use the food bin, kissing her goodbye everyday when i would get dropped off for school & watching her little periscope head poke out the window and watch me till the car turned a corner, setting up her own pillow and blanket at the end of my bed for her to sleep with me, waiting for her as she smells corners or bops flowers with her head while we walk, and throwing everything i have onto the floor each time i come home to get onto my knees and let her jump up and lick me all over!!! and every moment in between she's by our side, whether she's napping, gnawing on something or sitting in one of our laps (me, my sister and my moms) and she always takes turns rotating inbetween each of us lol x))

she's still kinda shy though, she's afraid of big dark objects like wires, wii remotes, my computer case and a ton more, as well as bikes, bald men or ppl with beards, dogs smaller than her, sometimes kids, and long things like fishing poles or broomsticks- but hey, nobody is perfect... x) i try to keep her moving and bring her around when i can :) if i'm walking anywhere she usually comes with me! her biggest travels yet have been climbing to the top of diamond hill and vacationing down in castlemartyr in cork for a week as well as tons of all sorts of random adventures across the west coast weaving inbetween beaches and forests with myself and my family!

it took a while for her strength 2 really get tested though, where in the middle of tha night on new yrz 2023 she had her first seizure... i'm sooo grateful i was awake and she was beside me, but it was like nothing i'd ever seen before... she sleeps in my bed and for 5 days straight i couldn't sleep cuz every time she itched her ear or kicked in her sleep my blood would rush thru my head and keep me awake! she was sooo confused after and it took her a while 2 come back 2 her senses but when she did, she immediately jumped up on me in the way that means she wants me 2 get down on my knees to give her a hug, and it was like nothing ever changed. that would be tha first and only seizure she ever had till exactly 1 month later, when they started happening more and eventually she had more than one in 24 hrs. apparently she has ideopathic epilepsy which means theres no other cause, which i'm happy about cuz i thought it was from when she got into all the xmas chocolate LOL! but we're lucky cuz her seizures only last around a minute or 2 and not longer so she doesn't sustain any damage or adverse health effects. at 1st my family and vet agreed if theyre not frequent and don't hurt her then we might not give medicine, but once she started having clusters we agreed we'd start. i'm s00per grateful cuz we only have to give em to her twice a day, she gets 2 have them inside treats so i think she's a winner here LOL!!! despite that, she's still excitable and great for playing, getting up 2 mischief, and learning new trixx... :) i knew that it wuz impossible 4 nature to allow a dog as perfect and wonderful as rosie to exist without sum kinda catch, but theres always a silver lining... cuz she has this condition, it's like we were gifted new ways to love and care for her :)

those are the basics, but every moment i share with her is like nourishment for my heart and soul, even though it sounds silly and everything i've said sounds like things anyone could say about their own dog... there's something so special about her goofy smile and funny voice that keep life worth living for me, waking up has become my favorite part of the day because it always starts with her! every little thing she does, every little pose she strikes or thing she does leaves me in awe, i can't stop falling in love with her over and over again every single day... ♡ i don't think i've ever connected with anything or anyone as deeply as i have with my rosie, it feels like the bond we share transcends the physical world and we're connected with pure energy- it's impossible to put into words all the tiny moments that make my life complete because of her, but every breath she takes invigorates me! each of our movements complement one another's and we bounce off eachother, perpetually forever playing and dancing and singing with one another... every day feels like a gift with her in my life!!!

i knew that this wouldn't last forever... i just didn't think it would end so fast. i understood that she may only live to 8 years old because of her epilepsy, and it was shocking to realize because she only presented with epilepsy at age 4, meaning we'd already seen her through half of her life... and i mean, she was perfectly healthy otherwise! she had a bout of pancreatitis in august 2023 but it was cleared up quickly with a low-fat diet (much to her dismay LOL) and she was back on her feet super fast! she had never ever been sick otherwise so i was confident that we had a good while left together! her epilepsy medication had worked well to reduce the frequency and severity of her occasional seizures, but it made her drink twice as much water and it was kinda nephrotoxic so over the summer she kind of became incontinent as her dose was increased to match her weight, which is fine cuz taking care of her makes me the happiest person to have ever lived! the towels and blankets and laundry were nothing to me, she was still the perfect girl she always was. sometimes in the night though she'd have moments where she couldn't breathe, her lungs would suck air in harder than i thought physically possible and she would gasp for air out of nowhere for a few moments before coming back to normal, i just thought maybe she was having bad dreams and comforted her the same way i always would, but looking back, those might have been moments where her strength faltered and something darker peeked thru the cracks... we'll never really know. x(

i had no idea that my last moments with her were really my last moments... i was so caught up in the fervour and ecstacy of life with her that it was impossible for us both to realize until the very end! the week i started college in september 2023 she began to deteriorate, and fast. on wednesday at 2:00am she had the first of what would end up becoming a neverending cluster of seizures. i knew something was off because she never fully came back around, she seemed anxious and couldn't stop pacing for hours, so at 5:00am i admitted defeat and fell asleep on the couch after having doted on her for hours trying to give her everything she needed to feel better. then that morning at 7:49am she had another one and she fell off my bed, the one moment i turned around and couldn't stop her from falling... during my first day of school she had two more and then one more in the evening, and i was getting frightened. we brought her to the vet but her bloodwork came back perfect! we got given anxicalm tablets for if we thought she would begin to seize, and we had some gabapentin to give her alongside her 2 other medicines, for epilepsy and incontinence. we also had anal diazepam injections to help shorten the length and severity of her seizures. after having not slept my mom took the night shift for wednesday and helped her as she seized yet again, and the frequency and severity of the episodes without a substantial break inbetween them was worrying us that she was going to suffer brain damage, but bringing her to the vets yet again she seemed perfect... it was a real mystery, and it really hurt to see her unable to fully recover.

that day she continued to have seizure after seizure and i came home early to spend time with her and help, but after a seize at 1:00pm she seemed to be holding her ground, i was so so proud of her!!! she had been putting so much effort into keeping herself in tact after each one, i couldn't imagine how much strength it must have taken her. we went for a walk- a final walk- i let her choose the pace and the directions, and she seemed uncertain at first but as soon as i took her leash off in the green just a few houses behind me, she came back into herself and it was so beautiful! she harrassed me to kick a rubber ball she found for her, and i didn't want to exhaust or overexcite her but she was raring to go, and whenever i'd kick it she'd snatch it up and then run a victory lap each and every time, it was so much fun and i was so convinced that she was back!!! she did chores with me and we played more in the backyard while i weeded to keep myself busy to cope, and she even started finally resting alongside us in bed instead of perpetually pacing and panting!!! i've never felt more pride and relief in my life before, my heart swells just thinking about it!!!!

it would be revealed quickly that was her swan song. at the dinner table was the last time she may have still been lucid, sitting quietly underneath the table while i took my first few bites before she started seizing violently and screams ripped their way out her throat. it was so severe and the post-ictus was so undeveloping that we called the emergency vet who todld us to keep waiting and give her some space to come around with as little stimuli as possible, but for 30-45 minutes she stumbled blind, primally searching for small dark corners to hole herself into, with her head raised to press her throat hard into wherever she cornered herself into, and breathe painfully, loud and manual. it became apparent she was suffering through nonconvulsive cerebral activity and we called again, this time not waiting for advice as we let the emergency vet know we were on our way because her breathing was getting worse and worse and it had been so long that we had no idea what kind of damage she must have accumulated. i carried all 23-point-something kilos of her and held her back with all my strength as even in the car in my arms she was primally trying to route herself forward with her full weight, before she began to seize again. and again. in the emergency vet's i was told to stay with her while my mom and little sister stayed in the front, and i helped hold rosie's arm for it to be shaved and a cannula inserted. she would then be injected with a round of sedative, which... did nothing, so she was shot up with another round. and then another. her body refused to comply and continued to seize through it all, so after 3 rounds of sedative and nasal valium, she was injected with this super heavy dangerous tranquilizer and only then did she finally start to rest... for fifteen minutes. i watched over her for those fifteen minutes, sitting alongside her as i watched her chest finally rise and fall slowly and with ease, sleeping- finally! her arm was bandaged up in blue gauze and a light green tea towel covered her eyes while she sat with her arms hovering just above a pool of her blood, motionless body surrounded by discarded needles. as of writing this, every time i close my eyes i see it again... it's going to be difficult to move on from.

she was given yet another round of the tranq to finally knock her out and we were allowed bring her home, with more anal diazepam, some nasal valium, and a syringe of that sedative again in case she seized again, but we were promised she should be out for at least 3-4 hours and should hopefully sleep through the whole night. carrying her limp was actually more difficult than carrying her rigid. i got home covered in urine, froth, blood and anal gland secretions, and my mom and i laid her into her bed prepared with tons of fresh fluffy blankets, a clear floor, fresh water and a plate of fresh wet food just for her. i finally got a hot shower to ease the full-body aching and sickness from worrying and constantly crying, skipping my classes to ask jeeves how much hope i should have left... and an hour later she started seizing again. this time it was just myself and my mom, and she gave the anal diazepam while i gave the nasal valium and the intravenous sedative- injecting it felt so disturbing but if it's to help her, then i couldn't be happier- i mean it! but none of it even made a scratch on the situation, and again, i carried her into the car as she seized more and more and more. once we arrived she was shot with sedative again to help ease her up to be carried by myself and the emergency vet all the way into the back, as in the car park the reality struck myself and my mom. the vet confirmed there was no way out- either she's put to rest now, or continues to seize through the morning until it takes her instead. i held her- she had gone blind and there was no indication she could hear us- and told her everything she already knew but that i needed her to know; how proud of her we were, how incredible she's been fighting so hard for so long, how strong and brave she's been, how loved she is, how she's brought more to our lives than we could have ever anticipated, how she's forever changed our hearts and that loving her & taking care of her has been my life's greatest honor. after the pheno, the gabapentin, the incurin, the anxicalm, the anal diazepam, the nasal valium, the sedatives, the tranquilizer, she got one last shot, this time a fat pink syringe that sunk into her and finally, finally, finally eased her. i held her as she passed and cried & wailed into her coat, convinced i could still feel her chest expanding under my hand... i felt her fur between my fingers, tidied up her beard, pushed the fluff out of her eyes and kissed her for the last time.

i'm upset at it all, of course- she was only 4 years old, perfectly healthy, and had been running and playing just hours before...!!! it's so tragic it makes me sick. as of writing this i'm still getting sick with the tears, but i promised rosie that there's no such thing as sad tears for her, only ever happy tears, and i mean it. i cry because i'm so so so grateful, because i'm so happy she's not in pain anymore, so relieved knowing she can finally take that long-earned rest she deserves for having worked so hard, i cry because i'm so in love with her and i keep falling in love with her over and over every day, the same way i have since i first met her!!! my mom says she's my soulmate... i think we're deeper than that. i'm still going to talk about her and show her photos to everyone i meet, still keep sweeping up dog hair for weeks, and still keep one of her tennis balls in my bedside drawer to keep me company and help me stay brave. ♡ she is the highlight of my life and i'm honored to carry her in my heart into the future forever!!! the sudden distance and the tragedy of it all is really difficult to handle, but i don't expect to just 'get over it' because she was and still is my whole world! so even though the pain will wax and wane and persist thru time, it's all love, and that's all that matters! :)

as she deteriorated i was devastated but couldn't help but notice each day was full of rainbows, sometimes multiple in one day, and it was soothing in it's own way... the first day she was gone i was sat crying on the front couch she would always perch on to watch the world from, and the largest most vibrant rainbow placed itself right out the window, and it kept me company for forever until i finally calmed down enough to close my eyes and rest my head against that rubber ball... and when i opened my eyes it had gone! something within me takes comfort in that, and i think i will for the future. ♡